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How men and women see money… differently.

Wednesday, September 9th, 2009

I find it interesting not only in our marriage, but in the relationships of friends, families and other acquaintances how men and women handle money.  Or rather, how we handle it differently.  There are so many differences that men and women make between what’s important when spending and saving it’s amazing we actually get it right on occasion. 

In general, men and women shop differently.  Men go into a store, go straight to the item they want to buy, and buy it.  Sometimes, they haggle for a deal, sometimes they don’t.  Once they make up their mind that they want something, often, they will buy it “on the spot” .   Most women do not shop this way.   When we go to the mall, we feel the need to hit every store in the joint to find the best deal.  But make no mistake, we will find the best deal!  We will hunt, dig and search through the entire building for what we want at the price we want.   Where  do we come together on this?  The women usually find  the deal and the men go close the deal/pick it up!  There are those couples (us included) that are able to shop together.  For our frequent readers, it will not surprise you that we have a system.  We alternate between stores that he wants to check out and stores I want to check out.  This way, we both are happy with the day’s activities!   If you can’t shop with your partner, that’s o.k.  Figure out a system that works for you and your spouse and go with it!

We’re different on savings too!  We women, being the emotional creatures we are, we like…security.  We like to have some savings, an emergency fund, in the bank.  Savings for a rainy day, a sunny day or any other day that a problem comes up.  It makes us a lot more comfortable as we go about our daily lives.  Men, on the other hand, like to be a little more risky.  They feel confident in their investments, even if those are in coffee bean futures or comic books (although some comics are worth quite a bit).  They don’t feel the need to have a “safety net” in the bank, and don’t understand why it’s so important to us.  Well, I’ve got news for all the men out there… just do the emergency fund.  It will make your life happier, because it will make your wife happier!  How did we solve this one?  We have an emergency fund.  :-D

It’s our suggestion that you sit down and discuss your spending and saving habits.  Figure out what works and what doesn’t.  Communicate.  You’ve heard it a thousand times for a reason… it works!  It’s the backbone of our relationship, and you should make it a part of yours.  No couple can truly be happy with their financial situation if they don’t agree on how they do their finances.  Talk about yours now, so that money problems don’t become a part of your future!

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Everybody Loves A Good Clips Episode…

Wednesday, August 26th, 2009

This week I wanted to revisit some of my previous posts that I find to be worth repeating, because when it comes to money and relationships, lessons need to be reinforced.  It’s the best way to stay focused!  Below, you will find links to some of our previous and a description.  We hope they keep you focused if you are doing well with your money and marriage (relationship) or get you back on track if you’ve lost your way. 

  • Can You Plan Spontaneity - This is a recent post, but it’s a good one, and it’s one of our trademark tips for a successful lifestyle .  The post outlines how we have built spontaneity into our budget (which works quite well, I assure you), achieving both spontaneity (to have a little mystery about special outings, gifts etc.) and budget restraint (so you have so money to retire on one day).
  • YOU are an emotional piggy bank -   This post has generated a lotof talk of the last few weeks.   You are an emotional piggy bank, taking in deposits and doling out payments from other people.  Just like a bank account or a piggy bank, you need to have more deposits coming in than payments going out for the system (i.e. you) to function.  People that drain too much from you, drain you, and you should spend time with them sparingly, if at all.  This, of course, is opposed to emotional boosts, who make lotsof deposits into your piggy bank.  You should spend as much time as possible around these special people.
  • Never forget where you started… - This post is a reminder of why you got married or into a relationship with your spouse/significant other, and some tips on how to make it work better or keep it working wonderfully!
  • Why your friends are costing you money, and what you can do to stop it! - This post is all about being friends with people who have a larger income than you and ways to avoid the pressure of spending too much money, or spending money that you don’t have when you hang out/spend time with them!
  •   So, going to the gym is like budgeting my finances? - This post draws parallels between going to the gym and budgeting your finances.  Not only are there insights into better ways to budget your money, but there are also a few tips on going to the gym!  You can’t beat that!

So, those are the blog posts that we’d like for you to go back and take a second look at!  Hopefully, you will find some information that helps you along in your life, or reaffirms what you already have in practice!

 

 

 

 

“clips episode” of previous posts that are “must reads”

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Why Staying United Can Strengthen Your Marriage…

Wednesday, August 12th, 2009

Honestly, I don’t understand where the breakdown happens in relationships. I mean, you got together because you loved each other (at least in theory) and worked well together. So why then, do people not stay connected and united as time goes by in their relationship/marriage? I don’t know the answer, but I do know what living life in a united marriage is like. Jerrill and I don’t take on any situation without talking about it first, if possible. Over time, we’ve gotten used to each other, and can anticipate each other’s actions’ and reactions’ to situations. However, for those times where we can’t anticipate the other, we discuss what’s going on and act in unison. This approach to life can be very useful with children… and other situations.

We’ve all seen the T.V. shows where a child comes into a room and asks his father to go to a friend’s house, and the father says “no”. The child then goes to his mother and asks her the same question, to which she replies “sure”. This couple is not united, but they should be. Always backing up your spouse when interacting with your children will keep the confusion of the day (week, month etc.) to a minimum and will teach the child that they cannot “divide and conquer” their parents.

Being united when you are dealing with life’s other problems, like a friend who betrays you, a jerk behind a counter who tries to assert their “authority” or a family member who tries to come between you demonstrates your strength in tough situations and discourages the individual from these actions in the future. Staying positive, and giving and drawing strength from one another is what it’s all about…but in the end, it’s also nice to know that there is someone who loves you above all others, who “has your back” no matter what.

Something to remember the next time “friend drama” starts to come between you and your spouse, or your child tries to con his/her way into a new toy using the “divide and conquer” technique!

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Why Working Together Isn’t Only For Times Of Crisis…

Tuesday, July 14th, 2009

Many of you know that Jerrill and I believe a strong connection/relationship is key to the success of the family. We feel that the relationship of a husband and wife, their ability to communicate, their respect for each other and how well they work together are all indicators of their future success in the other facets (such as business and friendships) of their life.

So today, I decided to make a point of telling you that working together is not only for times of crisis, but for every day, in every action. This will prepare you better for those times when the unexpected occurs. When you need to decide who is picking up the kids, there should be no drama. You both are responsible for them, so if one of you can’t do it, the other should, not because you have to, but because you want to help out, and work together. If you are trying to work on your household budget, and there isn’t enough money to go around, you shouldn’t refuse to give up your $6 a day coffee habit, or your mani/pedi’s, while your partner gives up every indulgence they have. You want to succeed together, you might have to make some sacrifices. These (and countless others) are every day occurrences where you can build up the skills that you can use in a crisis.

One crisis, for example, that a lot of people are going through right now is a job loss. If you or your partner have lost a job, you definitely quailify as being in a crisis! Now, are you working together? Are you sitting down together, deciding which activities can be cut out of your lives? Are you deciding which items in you budget can be scaled back or removed all together, until you are back on your feet? Or, are you blaming the partner who lost their job, feeling resentful of the burden they placed on you? If you are the latter, then this is your wake-up call! They did not lose their job because they wanted to, I assure you! Get rid of the negative feelings and decide that you are a team, and do whatever it takes TOGETHER to get through the tough times!

There are, of course, those people who get paid enough at their jobs that they don’t have to work with their spouse because they can pay for/hire out whatever they need. But keep in mind, if they stopped, and took the time from their busy life to notice, they would see just how unhappy life is, when you live with someone with whom you don’t communicate, work with or respect.

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Never forget where you started…

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

As we get older our lives change. We graduate high school, go to college or enter the work force and eventually settle on/start a career. During this 10-15 year timeframe, we usually meet someone special. Someone that we get excited to see and are happy to hear their voice. That person who gives your belly the “warm fuzzies” when you think of them. Now, not everyone follows this track, but the majority of people get engaged, married and then start a family. Unfortunately, some of these marriages fail and end in divorce. Now, for many of these marriages, money woes were a major part of this failure, but there are other silent problems that we can’t recognize easily that can lead to the destruction of a marriage. Recognizing and protecting against these troubles is what helps keep the “Successful” in your favorite southern couples’ marriage. Even if you already know what they are this will be a good refresher for you.

  • Miscommunications – In my opinion, communication is the number one, absolutely most important part of any marriage, period. Why is that? Because MIScommunications are a major cause of arguements. Think about it. Your spouse says something to you and it sounds hateful. Instead of being hateful back to them, ask them if anything is wrong! You do love them, remember? Maybe you said something to hurt their feelings. Maybe they had a tough day at work. Whatever the case, they love you too, and wouldn’t be snapping at you without a reason! They are MIS-communicating their feelings, and you are about to “stir the pot”! Instead, sit down as a couple and discuss what happened. If you hurt their feelings, apologize! Not an unfeeling “oh, I’M sorry YOUR feelings are hurt” apology, but a “wow, I’m sorry I hurt your feelings…I didn’t mean to do that” kind of apology. I mean, you didn’t intend to hurt their feelings, did you? Did they have a bad day at work? Ask them to tell you about it, which helps relieve their stress. At the end, if the comment they made to you was hurtful, tell them so, and ask them to be careful in letting their work affect how they speak to you. The more you communicate, the better you will understand each other!

  • Don’t Yell! – In a related topic, why are you yelling at each other? Are you not capable of controlling your anger? Do you not have to control yourself at work when you’re angry? So why do you think you should yell at home? Yelling at someone demonstrates that you can’t logically discuss a problem and tells them that all you care about is “winning” the arguement…let me tell you a secret…you can’t win an arguement by yelling, all you do is make the other person decide it isn’t worth the effort to try to communicate with you. That isn’t a win…it’s a failed relationship, because if they give up on communicating with you, the 2 of you will not last as a couple!

  • You both have a veto – In my house, we put bills/laws up to be passed or vetoed, just like the White House. For example, if I want chicken and he wants pasta, he can veto my chicken and suggest pasta. If he wants a big screen TV, I can veto it. If I want to move to Alabama, he can veto that. This goes on til we agree. It’s not important what the final decision is, but rather that we made it together and were both heard in the process.

  • Don’t forget to show respect – This is a problem that a lot of marriages have. We tend to focus on oursleves and what we are doing for the family so much that we forget to show respect for our partner. You should treat you spouse as though they are the most important person/thing in your life, because, frankly, they should be.

  • You both have to be on the same plan – It doesn’t matter what plan you’re on (although I could suggest a couple) as long as you’re on the same plan! If one of you isn’t ready for children, the other should not be decorating a nursery! Working together (are you seeing the trend) and following a plan to acheive your goals works so much better than 2 people trying to acheive their own goals separately, but in the same house. Your actions will affect the other persons life! I’m likely to offend some people here, but I beleive that when you become “man and wife” you become one. That means no his and hers, that means ours! Don’t try to define what belongs to whom and who pays what bills! And things like separate checking accounts only promote division in the marriage!

  • Ackknowledge each others efforts/accomplishments – Last time I checked, it feels good to be praised, and everyone likes it. So then, wouldn’t it stand to reason that when your spouse accomplishs something (even something small) you should praise them? And don’t think you have to spend thousands of dollars to do so! The praise should be commiserate with the deed. It’s not what type of praise you’re giving, it’s the fact that you are giving praise!

  • Your marriage is sacred, and your children need to know/see that - This is another topic that will likely upset some people, but in my house, the marriage comes first. I do not have children yet, but when I do (which will be soon), I plan to make sure that my children know that I love them with all my heart…but that mommy and daddys’ relationship comes before their plethora of extra cirricular activities. Date nights are a must. Family nights are a must. Mommy and daddy being in love and wanting to do things together teaches healthy relationships to the children, and I think we can all agree that children these days need examples of strong, loving relationships!

So, I say to never forget where you started…that happy in love, sweet, caring, respectful and appreciative couple you were in the beginning can continue to old age if you try! I am sure that I have left out other parts to a happy marriage, but this will get you started in the right direction! If you have specific questions, feel free to leave a comment!

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Valentine’s Day, The Southern Couple’s Way!

Thursday, February 12th, 2009

Well, it’s that time of year again! The time of year when a man’s palms sweat and they cringe with fear, or they grumble about spending money and resent February (at least any part of February that occurs AFTER the Superbowl). It’s Valentine’s Day!

Valentine’s Day is a very interesting holiday. Though not disliked by men as much as Sweetest Day (which we don’t celebrate, and I don’t even know it’s date), it is still a holiday that men feel passionately about, in a negative way. Now I should say not ALL men dislike this holiday, but most do. Why?

Well, I’m no man, but I have a few ideas. I imagine the 2 biggest complaints are the money that they feel they have to spend (afraid to mess up the budget), and the romance they feel they have to show. Let’s look at the 2 separately, and what your favorite Southern Couple does to celebrate the big day.

The money. Well, sorry fellas, but yes, women do like presents. Hate to burst your bubble. Now for the good news…unless your woman is the type to covet only the best and is all consumed with the price tag (and unfortunately, there are women out there like that) then the present doesn’t really have to cost anything. Women consider all sorts of things gifts that most men never think about. Some examples would be: a back massage from her man (free), breakfast in bed (food cost), homemade card (cost of materials), cleaning the house for us (free), watching the kids while we take a bubble bath or go out with girlfriends (free), making a craft to show your love (cost of materials), take us on a picnic (in the south, outdoors, in the north, in your bedroom), watch our favorite chick flick with us (free), make us dinner (food cost) etc. ANY of these gifts would be well received by a girlfriend/wife. Flowers and chocolates?? Icing on the cake.

Now, for the men out there who don’t want to break their budget, all I have to say is…why isn’t Valentine’s Day already IN your budget? It does happen every year after all. If you want to cut down on your stress around this holiday, you should budget enough money to buy the items that you think you will continue to buy your significant other for your life. If that happens to only be a card, well, budget $5. If you think dinner out, card, flowers and candy are on the agenda, set aside $100. If you want to do more than that, save more. If you combine your income, set aside some for her too. This isn’t rocket science, it just takes planning.

Alright, the second worry for men is that you won’t be romantic enough. Well, chances are you won’t be. Men should think about this a little. Most women plan their wedding day from their childhood, or watch soap operas (not me, eww yuck) or chick flicks etc. They have ideas about romance in their heads that have been there forever. You will probably NOT live up to that expectation. Accept your fate and MOVE ON. Once you accept this, the pressure of the holiday won’t be there, and you will be more pleasant on the big day. A man who is more pleasant on Valentine’s Day makes the whole day more pleasant, and maybe even romantic, because everyone is RELAXED.

Another little known fact about romance. Most women realize you won’t be as romantic as our daydreams (which is a shame, but we move on) and are used to men not being romantic at all. Therefore, ANY romance you show will make us happy. Extra kisses or hugs (or both) before you go off to work, coming home and intentionally asking about our day (and listening to the answer), and opening up doors for us (chivalry) are all good examples of romance.

This Southern Couple has come up with a solution that works in our life. I plan out the activities and romance for Valentine’s Day, and he plans out our wedding anniversary. This arrangement is great, because I have the opportunity to do for him what he really wants on Valentine’s Day, which takes the pressure to be romantic off of him and allows him to be sweet and romantic on a holiday he can really get excited about. I take him to the movies (double feature this year) and to dinner. I buy him a gift that is practical (what all men REALLY want). I set aside some money from the budget for a gift for me, and he takes me out and has me pick out a gift (he is terrified of picking things out for me…no clue why). Then, on our anniversary, in October, he goes all out and is totally sweet and romantic.

So, don’t break your budget for Valentine’s Day, but DO budget for it. Don’t freak out about what to get her or the prospect of romance, and just relax and be yourself (unless yourself is normally irritating, then be a little better than that)!

Happy Valentine’s Day!!

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Where have we been, and what the heck are we doing???

Tuesday, January 27th, 2009

Seems like it has been a long time since we posted anything on here, and that would be because it HAS been a long time. So, what have we been up to these days? A lot.

In September of 08, we decided to put our house on the market and move…and as for me, I wanted to move across the country. I liked the idea of going further south too, since I absolutely abhor snowy roads. I don’t mind the cold (much) or the snow on the grass, but where there is pretty snow on grass, there is dangerous snow on the road!

Unfortunately, 2 days after we put the house on the market, the President came on the t.v. and announced that the economy was going to hades in a hand basket. Now, while Jerrill and I have known the economy was suffering for a while, it put a damper on our plans to find a different job in a different city. Lots of companies were cutting jobs and the like, and Jerrill’s job is in the security field, which is historically stable. So, what is a southern couple supposed to do?

We moved, but only from Georgetown to Lexington, and are now in a bigger house (to grow the family) that we got on a fantastic deal. As awful as it is, we sold high and bought low, and are no worse off then we were in the old house, and still have plans to pay this house off early.

We love the new house! It is cozy and an upgrade from the previous house, and I love the level yard and the chance to start fresh in a new flower bed!! It is the perfect size home to start our family, with INCREDIBLE storage, and we LOVE our new street and and our neighbors (at least the neighbors we have met). We are so happy to be living in Lexington! It is a wonderful city. The people are fantastic, and there is always something to do or someplace to go. And, with regards to that dangerous snow on the roads…the LFUCG cleans the roads very efficiently!

So, why the long hiatus? Basically, because moving and getting settled is time consuming (and we’re still not completly settled) and even more so when you move on November 7th, right before Thanksgiving and Christmas…but, hopefully, we won’t have to many more “bumps” in the blogging road!

Anyway, we are back to work on the first of many (I hope) Southern Couple Software, hopefully able to be released in beta testing within 2 months, so, keep checking back to see what’s up, and what’s new!

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