In our case, a new baby in the house is definitely a strain on our sanity as first time parents.  There are bottles to be made and diapers to be changed, all while the baby is crying.  It’s a lot on the nerves.  The only way to make it through, that I can see anyway, is to work together.  When you share the responsibilities you are not only showing respect to your partner, but you are directly impacting their stress level in a positive way.  This keeps the blood pressure low and, if your lucky, keeps the sleep deprivation to a minimum, haha. 

Identify the stressers in your relationship.  Sit down and discuss them together, and see if you can agree on a method to work together and remove the stress.  Show each other the love and respect that you felt for each other when you got married.  That is how love and respect grow throughout the years.  I love and respect Jerrill more everyday.  And the love and respect I show him, he shows to me as well, and that, people, helps you keep your sanity when you have a million things to do and no time to do it in.

I have always been opposed to the excessive use of tech, especially when you are supposed to be focused on your family.  The fact is, there are times when it’s OK to tech binge, and there are times when it’s not.  Children should not have these tech things that can distract them from their family, and the parents shouldn’t set a bad example by using their gadgets all the time either.  There have been numerous studies that prove that multi-tasking is only possible for 3% of the population without the loss of quality.  With that fact in mind, what do you think happens to the quality of family time when each member of the family has a gadget in their hands and in their face?  Obviously, the quality goes down!

Am I saying that people shouldn’t ever use the tech they have?  No, of course not.  But when “family time” is really family time, it’s probably a good idea to put the tech away for the duration.  For example, when we go on vacation, we heavily limit our use of our tech.  We take our laptop with us to be able to stream music or play it from our music library while we are hanging out at the condo/hotel room.  We take our camera for pictures and the OCCASIONAL video (I’m not a big video fan since I sound every bit the hillbilly that I am ).  We take the GPS to get us there safely, and our cell phones in case of emergency.  We DO NOT use the cell phones while on vacation, with the exception of the phone call made to family informing them of our safe arrival.  We limit the tech because while on vacation, there are PLENTY of other things to do and we should focus on each other, not the world around us.

Think about your household (or, like our example, your vacation).  Do you spend too much time in front of the computer?  Your gaming system?  Your smart phone?  Does your significant other have to ask you the same question 4 times before you hear them?  Have you been caught up in something on the Internet andnot heard your child call to you, or, like the article, have you forgot to pick your child up from school (etc.) because you were too engrossed in something online?  If you struggle to find the time for your family because of your gadgets, I would suggest limiting your time on them, and limiting how much your children see you on them.  If they see you do it, they will also do it, and teaching a child how to ignore their future family isn’t exactly a great life lesson.

• With regard to your career, the author suggests that you heed your enemies.  The logic behind this advice is that the people you have trouble with are generally those people that have the greatest insight into you and your attitudes and faults.  What these people have to say will help you improve as a worker/entrepreneur…if you only take the time to listen.
• With regard to the stock market, buy and hold your funds.  The author and I agree on this…people think that they can beat the stock market, but in reality, almost no one can (and you are probably not the exception).  If you buy funds and then keep them over the long run, you’re more likely to make money, at the very least thanks in part to the ability to avoid taxes and other fees.
• Don’t be a fool with regard to your love life.   When lovers quarrel, each has the blame around 50% of the time.  Understanding this fact will help you build the kind of relationship that isn’t as susceptible to a divorce.  And as all of us know, either from personal experience or the experience of a friend or loved one, divorce sucks.  We don’t want it and should avoid it at all costs (both financially and emotionally). 

That’s it.  3 very simple little lessons that might save you a lot of headache or heartache as your graduate enters the post high school, trade school or college life that they have worked so hard to achieve.

Now, I am quite positive that most of us have heard people say that communication is the key to a good relationship.  Well, that statement is not only inaccurate, seeing as it has to be GOOD communication to be worthwhile, but it also leaves out a couple of other very important parts of a healthy relationship: Respect and appreciation.  Although we all know that respect and appreciation are important, we are all generally so self-centric that we only focus on when we aren’t receiving them.  And what I have to say to you is this: Why?  Why do you think that your partner should show you respect and appreciation if you aren’t showing them that same respect?  It isn’t a one way sort of thing!  It’s just like saying please and thank you!  You should WANT to show respect and appreciation to the person that you love, just as much as you want to receive it.  I don’t wake up in the morning wondering what ways my husband can show me his love, respect and appreciation!  I wake up wondering what ways I can show him my love respect and appreciation! 

Here’s the short and tall of it:  You can communicate until you’re blue in the face, but if that communication (or any other part of the relationship) doesn’t include respect and appreciation, then the relationship will suffer.  Not sure how to get started??  How about saying please and thank you?  How about asking your partner if you can do anything for them?  That way, their emotional piggy bank fills up and overflows, making it easier on them to reciprocate!

And let’s not forget the nasty divorce between Alec Baldwin and Kim Bassinger.  That situation was all over the entertainment magazines and shows when it was top news, and most of us remember the not so distant and very public fight he had with his 11 year old daughter, in which he called her a pig.  I don’t think he’s the best choice for helping a couple work things out.

To be fair, I think that this show will be hilarious, but only because the advice offered from the celebrities will be, to put it politely, “sub par”.  I worry that people watching it will give them credit as being an “expert” on fixing relationships, simply because they’re a celebrity.  We have a tendency to give people more credit than they’re due in our society if they’re on TV, which is ridiculous.  Just because someone is on TV does NOT make them an expert, and I hope our readers never forget it!

No matter what your ultimate goal is, more than likely you need to plan for it!  Are you planning for this goal that you want to achieve?  Are you working toward it as I’m typing this?  If not, then how do you ever expect to achieve it? 

Planning out your life usually gets you just as excited as doing your taxes, but is just as necessary (don’t want the government coming after you, do you?) because it not only maps out what you need to do, but gives you a sense of purpose to work toward for your future.  Basically, you can’t reach your destination if you don’t have a map to go by.  So, what are some ways to plan for the future?

First, you need to brainstorm.  What is your goal?  What credentials or money do you need to achieve your goal (college, or capital to get started?)?  Is the place you live in a good place to work toward that goal, or is there another place better suited to the goal (i.e., marine biologists shouldn’t live in the desert).  What type of friend and family network do you need to make this goal a reality?  If your goal is for a certain career, are you sure that the career is suited to your personality (i.e. if you don’t like paying attention to details, accounting is probably not a good career path for you).  If your goal is to retire wealthy, have you written out a budget and figured out what percentage of your income you need to save in order to do so (the money isn’t just going to appear, and social security, if it’s still around, definitely won’t let you live “comfortably”). 

Once you have brainstormed and figured out all the things necessary to achieve the goal, then you put them in chronological order or order of necessity, whichever seems to make more sense for your particular needs.  Now, you have a map.  Start at the top of the list and work at it, one item at a time.  For example, if the first thing you need is an education, then that is where you start.  Use the same process of identifying how to achieve each item on your list, as you did to make the list, and you not only have a plan/map to achieve your ultimate goal, but it should be easier to achieve it, because you aren’t scrambling to figure things out on the fly.

Don’t know what you want to do, or what your ultimate goal is in your life?  That’s ok.  Take time to figure it out.  If you bounce around for a few years longer than your friends, it’s OK.  It doesn’t make you inferior, it just means that your interests are too varied to settle on one thing at that point in your life.  However, once you do figure out your passion, take these steps to get a plan in action!

The article looks at an unmarried couple who make a combined income of $50,000, and a married couple who make a combined income of $50,000.  The unmarried couple will pay only (yeah, only…ha ha) $3,076 a year under the House bill and $3,450 under the Senate bill.  If that couple decides to get married, they would have to pay $5,160 under the House bill and $5,100 under the Senate bill.  That’s a difference of between $2,084 and $1,650 respectively!  Just for deciding to get married.  The individuals that helped write the bill (democratic staff) acknowledged the existence of the penalty, but said that it couldn’t be fixed without creating other inequities.  To me, this seems like a pretty big penalty to be left in place, for fear that you would upset another group, or be unfair to others.  I mean, married couples are a pretty big group to upset!

The article has this quote from a Democratic Senate Finance Committee aide  - “The Finance Committee, along with other committees in the Senate, took pains to craft the most equitable overall structure possible, and that’s what we have here,”.  The MOST EQUITABLE bill.  So, they know it’s not fair for everyone, and one group that will pay will be married people!  This gives people an incentive to stay single.  Great!  Just what we need in this country!  A financial incentive to lose the institution of marriage.  As a country, we’re already doing things that would have been morally wrong just 20 years ago.  Gone on 2 dates with someone?  Ehh, that’s long enough to sleep together.  And we wonder why children in the 6th grade are experimenting with sex…could it be their role models?

I know that legal “mumbo jumbo” is the last thing any of us want to read or look into, but I think it’s important that we know what is and isn’t being approved with the new health care bill, especially since our politicians have a habit of sneaking in extra things when they pass a bill/law.  Be aware of your government!  Watch what they’re doing.  If you don’t, then when things don’t go your way, you have NO RIGHT to complain!

As I said above, we also go over our budget reports to understand what is being under-funded and what is being over-funded.  We look at EVERY budget item.  Last night, we had to increase the money funding our medical budget and our grocery budget (I swear the grocery stores just keep raising the prices!).  Now, you might be asking “how do you increase a line item?”, and the answer is simple; Something else has to be cut back.  We took the money from our monthly savings (grudgingly) to fund the additional money needed for the medical and grocery budget items.  What if you have no savings?  Then you have to cut back on another line item, like cable, telephone or Internet.  Is your budget so slim that you don’t have ANYextras?  Then you need to try cost cutting to bring your spending in line with your budgeted amount, or increase your income to cover the overages.  It’s simple math…your budget must be balanced!  If there aren’t enough funds, you must cut back, or make more!

Now I challenge you to have your own budget committee meeting (if you’re single, you still need to have the meeting with just yourself, or a friend/family member you trust to share this info with)!  Sit down and figure out how much you spent on all your expenses this last year!  How much did you go over? Under?  Do you even have a budget?  First things first, you need a budget.  Get out a pen and paper, and write down all of your expenses, in order of importance (1. housing, 2. food, 3. electricity etc.), then write down your income.  Assign amounts to each category.  If you run out of income before you reach the bottom, then you either need to cut back your expenses, or increase your income.  Did you reach the bottom with money to spare?  Great!  If you have debt, use the money to pay it off, if not, start saving an emergency fund for 3-6 months worth of expenses, and after that, for retirement! 

It’s our opinion that money works for you and not against you if you watch it like a hawk.  Don’t give yourself the opportunity to mess up!  Start this year off right, and take your budget committee meeting to the kitchen table tonight!

Throughout the years, people have made fun of the guy who carries his woman’s purse.  Heck, Brad Paisley even wrote a song about it!   Now, I know that something as small as carrying her purse is not indicative of lasting 50 years, but it does reveal a characteristic that, in my opinion, does relate to a lasting relationship…consideration.  Being considerate of your partner, and their feelings, is vital to a relationship.  It shows that without their request, you’re willing to help them, it reveals a deeper connection between you both and a desire to put your partners feelings before your own.  And as you all know, on this point, Jerrill and I do not waiver.  We put each other’s feelings ahead of our own.  Not out of obligation, but out of love and respect.  And while it might not work for everyone, it works pretty well for us!  Do we have our moments?  Sure, nobody’s perfect, and everyone has their moments where they don’t think.  But the effort is what counts. 

So, here is your homework.  Look at your own relationship.  Do you think you’re a considerate partner?  Can you name examples?    If you can, great.  If not, perhaps you should try and incorporate a couple of new ideas into your relationship. 

Just a little food for thought!  But you know, a strong bond between partners can help you get through the upcoming holidays, amongst other things!

Basically, the jist of the 10,000 hour rule is that the author’s research shows that it’s rare for a person to get to the top of their game in their chosen field without putting in at least 10,000 hours of preparation. 

Raw talent is apparently not as important as the time you devote to your passion…to that thing you do better than everyone else.  No matter who you are and where you came from, no one gets to the top without the 10,000 hours.  And, supposing you want to get to the top of your field, that means you’ve got to WORK!  In a 40 hour work week, you can finish those 10,000 hours in 5 years.  If you’re doing a part time job at 20 hours a week, that’s 10 years.  If you’re working 60 hours a week, that means you’ll finish in 2 1/2 years, but it also means you don’t have a work-life balance, and I can’t agree with that! 

Where are you putting your hours in?  Are you putting effort in the areas of your life that matter the most, or are you leaving work, coming home and turning into a couch potato?  I truly hope you’re not ignoring your family in exchange for mindless channel surfing.  And hey, if the area of your life that matters most, that you want to be excellent at is your relationship with your partner, I’m totally cool with that!  So long as you are putting in the hours and are excellent at something you love, your favorite southern couple is behind you!

Showing your appreciation to your partner doesn’t just let them know you care, it also shows them respect, and respect is a necessary component of a relationship.  Why do I think these actions are so important?  Because when you love somebody, you shouldn’t be focused on yourself all the time.  Yes, it’s important that you have “me time” where you take care of yourself, but it’s just as important that you let you partner know how you feel.  And I’m not just talking about women here…men need to know these things too!  

You might not agree, and that’s ok.  I’m simply sharing what works for your favorite southern couple!  It’s our opinion that a function of a great couple is that both partners are willing to give up everything for the other, and that the other wouldn’t dare take everything from them.  Good luck in showing your appreciation!

Questions or comments?  Feel free to leave a comment, or ask a question about relationships!  I’ll try to answer it to the best of my ability!

The numbers for unemployment in September show that it rose to 9.8%, and that it might hit 10% in the near future.  But as bad as the overall unemployment rate is, the breakdown of single versus married people is interesting…it’s almost double!  In August, the rate was 13.5% unemployment for singles and 6.3% unemployment for married people!  The article points out that a likely reason is that married men are motivated to take a lower paying job, to be able to support their families, and that single people are typically younger and have less education and experience than their married counterparts (this, of course, is just supposition).  There is also a difference in those with a high school education versus a Bachelor’s degree or higher.  Only 4.9% with a Bachelor’s degree are unemployed, versus 10.8% with only a high school education (a good argument for staying in school and going to college).

There is also disparity amongst race, gender, and age.  And, while these statistics are interesting to me, I have to think that there are ALWAYS discrepancies amongst employment based on race, gender and age, since the people in the work force are constantly changing.  I’m not taking away from the fact that these people are suffering.  There are a lot of people out there suffering, and I wish them a job…pronto.

Here is the breakdown:

• African Americans – 15.4%
• Hispanics – 12.7%
• Caucasions  9.0%
• Asians – 7.4%
• Adult Women – 7.8%
• Adult Men – 10.3%
• Teenagers – 25.9%

Overall, I’m most intrigued by the stats on single people.  If single people are more likely to be jobless due to their unwillingness to take lower pay, I say that it is their choice!   As long as they have an emergency fund in place to carry them through this tough spot and/or are working a part time job til they find the “perfect job”, so be it!  And for those of you who are married, taking lower paying jobs, don’t forget your worth!  No matter what your situation, having an emergency fund and being prepared for a job loss will help you weather any storm!

The article centers around Chad and Stephanie Grant, from San Diego, who are both 31, have been married 7 years and are starting a family.  They make a very good living, with a nice nest egg already started, but not a very big emergency fund.  The article points out that they have a few actions to take to be ready for baby.

If you are in the same situation, trying to start a family, I have a few tips:

• You MUST have an emergency fund of AT LEAST $1000, but preferably 3-6 months worth of expenses.
• It’s a good idea to find out what the total cost of doctor visits and delivery will be and save that amount (or as close to it as you can) to pay cash for your baby when it’s born.  It’ll be nice not to finance your child, right?
• Now is the time to get diversified, as the article points out.  Make sure you don’t have all of your retirement “eggs” in 1 basket.  You should diversify between small, mid and large cap funds, and international funds.
• Insurance!  We all know that health insurance is important, but life insurance is equally important when you are starting a family.  If you die, something has to replace your income!
• A Last Will and Testament is important for you and your spouse, but when you have a baby, it’s IMPERATIVE.  If you don’t have a local lawyer, or don’t have the cash for a lawyer, then go to USLegalForms.com and do it yourself on the cheap!
• And, of course, stock up on diapers (or ask for gift cards to buy diapers)!

That’s it!  Check out the article, and use these tips to get you on track, if you aren’t already!  Good luck, and I look forward to your questions and comments!

• Can You Plan Spontaneity - This is a recent post, but it’s a good one, and it’s one of our trademark tips for a successful lifestyle .  The post outlines how we have built spontaneity into our budget (which works quite well, I assure you), achieving both spontaneity (to have a little mystery about special outings, gifts etc.) and budget restraint (so you have so money to retire on one day).
• YOU are an emotional piggy bank -   This post has generated a lotof talk of the last few weeks.   You are an emotional piggy bank, taking in deposits and doling out payments from other people.  Just like a bank account or a piggy bank, you need to have more deposits coming in than payments going out for the system (i.e. you) to function.  People that drain too much from you, drain you, and you should spend time with them sparingly, if at all.  This, of course, is opposed to emotional boosts, who make lotsof deposits into your piggy bank.  You should spend as much time as possible around these special people.
• Never forget where you started… - This post is a reminder of why you got married or into a relationship with your spouse/significant other, and some tips on how to make it work better or keep it working wonderfully!
• Why your friends are costing you money, and what you can do to stop it! - This post is all about being friends with people who have a larger income than you and ways to avoid the pressure of spending too much money, or spending money that you don’t have when you hang out/spend time with them!
•   So, going to the gym is like budgeting my finances? - This post draws parallels between going to the gym and budgeting your finances.  Not only are there insights into better ways to budget your money, but there are also a few tips on going to the gym!  You can’t beat that!

So, those are the blog posts that we’d like for you to go back and take a second look at!  Hopefully, you will find some information that helps you along in your life, or reaffirms what you already have in practice!

“clips episode” of previous posts that are “must reads”

a lasting covenant between a man and a woman can be a vehicle for the nurture and protection of each other, the one reliable shelter in an uncaring world — or it can be a matchless tool for the infliction of suffering on the people you supposedly love above all others, most of all on your children.

This article is all about the importance of a strong marriage and how important it is for the children to have 2 parents in the home. It is chock full of information. It states that children of divorced, middle-class parents do less well in school and at college compared with underprivileged kids from two-parent households. This absolutely floored me. However, it does seem to fit with and support our viewpoints on family.

As the article points out, most of us do want the “fairytale” marriage, as in, married for 25 years and still deeply in love. I don’t know anyone who has gotten married and didn’t want that. We simply have to work at it. I don’t let a day go by that I don’t make sure I am doing the things that I know will be a benefit to Jerrill, or at least, make him very very happy. I focus on his happiness, and our happiness, and that ensures that I don’t take him for granted.

So, go check out the article! I really hope you enjoy it as much as we did! It’s a long read, but well worth it.

• Miscommunications – In my opinion, communication is the number one, absolutely most important part of any marriage, period. Why is that? Because MIScommunications are a major cause of arguements. Think about it. Your spouse says something to you and it sounds hateful. Instead of being hateful back to them, ask them if anything is wrong! You do love them, remember? Maybe you said something to hurt their feelings. Maybe they had a tough day at work. Whatever the case, they love you too, and wouldn’t be snapping at you without a reason! They are MIS-communicating their feelings, and you are about to “stir the pot”! Instead, sit down as a couple and discuss what happened. If you hurt their feelings, apologize! Not an unfeeling “oh, I’M sorry YOUR feelings are hurt” apology, but a “wow, I’m sorry I hurt your feelings…I didn’t mean to do that” kind of apology. I mean, you didn’t intend to hurt their feelings, did you? Did they have a bad day at work? Ask them to tell you about it, which helps relieve their stress. At the end, if the comment they made to you was hurtful, tell them so, and ask them to be careful in letting their work affect how they speak to you. The more you communicate, the better you will understand each other!
• Don’t Yell! – In a related topic, why are you yelling at each other? Are you not capable of controlling your anger? Do you not have to control yourself at work when you’re angry? So why do you think you should yell at home? Yelling at someone demonstrates that you can’t logically discuss a problem and tells them that all you care about is “winning” the arguement…let me tell you a secret…you can’t win an arguement by yelling, all you do is make the other person decide it isn’t worth the effort to try to communicate with you. That isn’t a win…it’s a failed relationship, because if they give up on communicating with you, the 2 of you will not last as a couple!
• You both have a veto – In my house, we put bills/laws up to be passed or vetoed, just like the White House. For example, if I want chicken and he wants pasta, he can veto my chicken and suggest pasta. If he wants a big screen TV, I can veto it. If I want to move to Alabama, he can veto that. This goes on til we agree. It’s not important what the final decision is, but rather that we made it together and were both heard in the process.
• Don’t forget to show respect – This is a problem that a lot of marriages have. We tend to focus on oursleves and what we are doing for the family so much that we forget to show respect for our partner. You should treat you spouse as though they are the most important person/thing in your life, because, frankly, they should be.
• You both have to be on the same plan – It doesn’t matter what plan you’re on (although I could suggest a couple) as long as you’re on the same plan! If one of you isn’t ready for children, the other should not be decorating a nursery! Working together (are you seeing the trend) and following a plan to acheive your goals works so much better than 2 people trying to acheive their own goals separately, but in the same house. Your actions will affect the other persons life! I’m likely to offend some people here, but I beleive that when you become “man and wife” you become one. That means no his and hers, that means ours! Don’t try to define what belongs to whom and who pays what bills! And things like separate checking accounts only promote division in the marriage!
• Ackknowledge each others efforts/accomplishments – Last time I checked, it feels good to be praised, and everyone likes it. So then, wouldn’t it stand to reason that when your spouse accomplishs something (even something small) you should praise them? And don’t think you have to spend thousands of dollars to do so! The praise should be commiserate with the deed. It’s not what type of praise you’re giving, it’s the fact that you are giving praise!
• Your marriage is sacred, and your children need to know/see that - This is another topic that will likely upset some people, but in my house, the marriage comes first. I do not have children yet, but when I do (which will be soon), I plan to make sure that my children know that I love them with all my heart…but that mommy and daddys’ relationship comes before their plethora of extra cirricular activities. Date nights are a must. Family nights are a must. Mommy and daddy being in love and wanting to do things together teaches healthy relationships to the children, and I think we can all agree that children these days need examples of strong, loving relationships!

So, I say to never forget where you started…that happy in love, sweet, caring, respectful and appreciative couple you were in the beginning can continue to old age if you try! I am sure that I have left out other parts to a happy marriage, but this will get you started in the right direction! If you have specific questions, feel free to leave a comment!